


Working at the Car Wash

by Adira_Tyree



Series: Release the CRACK [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Abraxo Cleaner, Caesar's Legion, Car Wash - Freeform, Crack, Fallout Kink Meme, Fundraising, Gen, Hilarity, Humor, Skimpy Swim Suits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 13:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1860471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adira_Tyree/pseuds/Adira_Tyree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six and a group of high-ranking legionaries host the first ever Legion Car Wash Fundraiser to raise money for their fight to take New Vegas. It doesn't quite go how anyone expected.<br/>Cracky crack crack. First posted to the Kink Meme, now here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Working at the Car Wash

“Tell me again why we are doing this, Vulpes?” Six asked, shaking her platinum curls out of her eyes. “I feel damn near naked in this thing.” She adjusted her uncomfortably small swim-top, which was just barely large enough to cover the important bits.

“It’s a car wash,” he said slowly, emphasizing each word individually as though he thought she was a bit slow.

Six frowned, her darker brows standing out against the newly bleached platinum framing her face. “I know that, but what good will it do?”

Vulpes closed his eyes and pursed his lips, taking in a long, deep breath.

“Vulpes has done extensive research on Pre-War fundraising methods,” Lucius cut in, adjusting his swimming trunks. Six raised an eyebrow, at the dingy white fabric, which was splattered with large, blue flowers. “After you refused to assist in the bake sale in Freeside, there was little left that we could feasibly attempt.”

Six opened her mouth to speak, still frowning, but Antony’s entrance cut her off. “Oh god,” she muttered, shielding her eyes and turning away.

“Aw yeah!” he shouted, striding out from one of the tents in a bright red speedo. He was followed closely by Lupa, who was jumping up with excitement. “I am _so_ ready for a car wash!”

“Nobody’s even going to show up,” Six muttered, still shielding her eyes with one hand, awkwardly grasping her elbow with the other.

“Do you think I needed to put up more signs?” Lucius asked, suddenly sounding very serious. “I can send more recruits out to advertise the event.”

“No, Lucius, I mean—“

“There will be plenty of business,” Vulpes said, rubbing his hands together, “I’m sure.” He poured out a large amount of Washo detergent from a blue box and a few shakes of Abraxo to go with it. The mixture foamed and bubbled as he stirred it with a long, slender, ant-leg-bone. When he pulled it back out, it was half dissolved into the liquid.

Vulpes frowned and tossed the bone to Lupa when no one was looking. She gnawed on it happily, snarling as she ground her teeth into it.

“What I mean,” Six cut in again, “is—“

“ _Car Wash!_ ” Antony started shouting so that the whole of the Mojave could hear him, drawing out each word.

“ **Is** ,” Six continued, gritting her teeth.

Lupa started to howl happily next to Antony, looking up at him and panting from the heat. The bone lay on the ground underneath a paw, still sizzling slightly.

“Is that—“

“Lucius,” Vulpes said, not looking at the bucket as it slowly started to smoke. “Could you send a few recruits for more buckets? We might need extras,” he said curtly.

“Right away,” Lucius said, then walked with purpose back to the tents.

Six threw her arms up, her loose curls flying with the movement. “For gods’ sake,” she muttered.

“ _Caaaaaaaarrrrr Waaaaassshhhhhh,_ ” Antony continued. Lupa howled again with him, craning her head back to face the sky.

Vulpes picked up a pair of binoculars and stared down the road with them, scanning back and forth for signs of life. “I see a caravan coming this way,” he said, barely containing the excitement in his voice.

“We’re just down the road from the 188!” Six said, her voice raising in pitch as she flung a hand out to point at the trading post just up the hill.

Vulpes frowned, but kept his mouth shut.

“We’re not a brahmin wash!” she prodded, putting her hands on her hips. She stared very intently at Vulpes, facing away from Antony.

“No,” Vulpes said, his voice calm and cool as he lowered the binoculars from his eyes, “but they might have something for us to wash regardless.” He glanced over his shoulder towards the tents, then down at the bucket of cleaner – which was slowly melting away.

“Vulpes!” Lucius stepped out of a tent, a recruit following obediently behind with a bucket.

“Ah,” Vulpes said sounding pleased. “Excellent. I didn’t expect you to return so quickly.”

“This recruit thought ahead enough to bring a second bucket, just in case something happened to the first one,” Lucius said, clapping a hand on the recruit’s shoulder with a smile.

“Excellent. Make him a Decanus for his quick thinking,” Vulpes said, taking the bucket and bringing it a good ten paces from where the molten remains of the first bubbled on the ground, completely ignoring it.

Not more than five minutes had passed before the caravan Vulpes had mentioned was close enough to try and flag down. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, six put on her prettiest smile and puffed out her chest in the tiny bikini.

“Hey! You need that motorcycle washed?” Antony asked, his grin showing just as many teeth as Lupa’s.

The merchant eyed the group warily, his eyes flicking from one Legion official to the next. The caravan guard beside him tightened his grip on his rifle.

Vulpes put on what he must have assumed was a friendly smile, but it only served to make him look more terrifying. “It could sell better if scrubbed down to a fine metallic sheen,” he said in a fairly neutral tone.

“What is this?” the merchant asked, still looking between the various officials.

“It’s a _CAAAAARRRRR WAAASSSHHH!_ ” Antony shouted, throwing his head back to shout across the whole of the Mojave again. Lupa joined him with a howl, jumping up on her hind legs.

“Well…” the merchant started, looking back at the motorcycle. “I was just going to strip it down for parts, really. Can make some really fun—“

“Excellent!” Vulpes said with a grin. The merchant didn’t argue when Vulpes sauntered over to the bike and ran his hands along it. Finding a good place to try to lift it from, Vulpes strained and tried to pick it up out of the wagon by himself. He kept his mouth shut and silent as his face contorted with the strain. “Very nice, solid piece,” he said, panting slightly. “Lucius! Get some recruits to carry this thing over to the washing station.”

“Right away,” Lucius said again, shouting to the young men behind him. A small group of them, all sporting nothing but their kilts and boots, jogged over and struggled with the bike until it was on the ground. A pair of them guided it towards the soapy water.

“That will do,” Vulpes said, shooing the rest of them away. One dropped down the kickstand while the other grabbed two rags to start washing it down with. They were sweating in the Mojave sun, but didn’t complain.

“This _caaaarrrr waaaaassshhh_ needs music,” Antony complained, again shouting the words ‘car wash’ at the top of his lungs. He ran back into a tent and Six could hear him rummaging around while Lucius was arguing money with the merchant.

“25 caps,” Lucius said, his arms crossed.

“I never even agreed to it!” the merchant said, throwing up his arms. He waved his hand at the caravan guard, who was leveling his rifle with Lucius’ head. The guard lowered the weapon with a grunted complaint.

“20 caps then,” Lucius said. He tapped his foot over and over, sending up a small cloud of red dust.

“5 caps!” the merchant argued, crossing his arms with a scowl.

Lucius laughed and Vulpes cut in.

“5 caps?” Vulpes said, chuckling as well. “Look! The Legion struggles for _your_ benefit! Is this how you would repay that struggle?” He pointed at the two recruits, who were watching as Six showed them how to wash it so that there weren’t soap streaks left on the metal. Their eyes weren’t watching her hands though, or her scowl.

The merchant bit his lip, frowning. “10 caps.” His eyes weren’t watching Six’s hands either as he spoke.

Lucius laughed threateningly. “20 caps, or you can just leave the bike and _we_ can sell it.” Vulpes glanced between Lucius and merchant, waiting.

Glowering, the merchant shoved a hand into his pocket and started counting out caps, not breaking eye-contact with Vulpes, who was doing his best impression of a polite smile. He dropped 20 caps into Lucius’s open hands.

“Thank you for your support,” Vulpes said. “We’re here to make life better for you, the citizens of the Mojave. If there were ever a better cause than this—“

“Yeah,” the merchant said, his voice dull and annoyed. “Sure thing. They done yet?”

“Nearly!” Six said, watching as the recruits did what she had shown them. She had a hand on the back of each of their heads to keep them from looking at her ass instead of the bike.

“Here!” Antony shouted as he burst through the tent-flap. “Here! Put this in your pipboy!” he shouted to Six, waving a small white and black box in the air over his head as he ran over to her.

“What is it?” she asked wearily, but held out her hand for it anyway.

He shoved the box into her hand. “It’s a _CAAAAAAARRRRR WAAAASSSSHHHH!”_

Six just sighed, shaking her head with a roll of her eyes, as she opened the box and ran the holotape through the pipboy on her wrist. She muttered about Antony’s sanity, but knew it was pointless to do anything but what he wanted. He was far too excited.

Antony jumped up and down and beside him Lupa ran in circles, chasing her tail. Six scrunched up her face, trying not to notice his waist bouncing up and down with him.

“Play it!” he shouted, even though he was standing right next to her. “Play it! Play it! Play it!”

“Alright already!” Six hollered, eyes flaring her exasperation as she pushed Lupa down from where the dog clawed excitedly at her leg. She handed the holotape back to Antony and turned up the volume slightly on her pipboy.

When the sound that came out of it was mostly clicks and sputters she frowned. “Are you sure that holotape isn’t—” she started, but then other sounds, and eventually a woman’s voice oozed from it.

“Nope! It’s great!” Antony said, grabbing her arm and turning the volume dial in circles until it was blasting the music so loud that Six felt like a human stereo. She turned it down slightly as Antony started dancing, no longer paying attention to her. Lucius laughed, seeing Antony’s antics, and even Vulpes couldn’t hide his smirk.

 _“Working at the CAR WASH YEAH!”_ Antony sang loudly with the music.

Four of the recruits lifted the bike back onto the merchant’s cart and strapped it back in place. It shone brightly in the high Mojave sun, though there were numerous scratched in the paint and patches of rust.

The merchant pulled his brahmin forward, muttering to the caravan guard as the pair of them walked on up the road towards the 188 Trading Post. _“Damn parts are hardly even worth 20 caps, but it sure does look real pretty now. Maybe I can sell it for some idiot up in New Vegas to repair…”_

“Our first satisfied customer,” Vulpes said to Six with a proud grin.

Six rolled her eyes and scowled. “You only had to threaten him to do it.”

“I did no such thing. It was Lucius who threatened the man,” Vulpes said, glowering at the Praetorian.

Lucius was attentively ignoring their conversation and staring down the road from where the merchant had come from, though there was nothing in site for miles.

“Thankfully,” Vulpes continued, turning back to Six, “I was there to reason with the man.”

“Of course. I’m glad you have earned us 20 caps for our war effort through hard labor and persistent persuasion. I’m sure it will be these caps that, in the end, decide the victor at New Vegas,” she said, but there was no real bite to her sarcasm.

The song on her pipboy ended and Antony whined, grabbing her arm and trying to make it play again. She swatted him away, earning a growl - she couldn’t decide whether it came from Antony or Lupa. With a sigh, she selected the song again, and the same woman’s voice soon enough flooded the small camp, and Antony danced around, shouting “CAR WASH” over and over so loudly that it echoed across the desert.

To Six’s surprise, Vulpes soon pointed up the road towards Vegas, where a group of men were rolling a derelict car along under the 188.

“We’re with the Automotive Restoration and Salvage Enthusiasts Society! We think what what you’re doing is great,” one of the men said when they reached the camp, beaming with happiness. “There ought to be more people like you out there that appreciate the beauty of a good old pre-war transportation vehicle.”

Vulpes grinned, his eyes turning to slits as he thanked the man, turning to Six. She threw her hands up and walked back to the bucket old car, tossing a dripping rag onto the hood and starting to scrub.

“I’m Lloyd,” the man said, shaking Vulpes’ hand with enthusiasm and catching him off guard. “That’s T.C., Duane, and Lindy,” who waved with a grin. “Oh, and Irwin,” Lloyd said, shaking his head as Irwin started dancing with Antony while the same song continued to blast out of Six’s pipboy.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” Vulpes said offhandedly. “Lucius, handle this transaction,” he said, glancing at the Praetorian before turning back to Lloyd. “Are there more of you? Perhaps coming down the road now with more work for us?”

“Naw,” Lloyd said, shaking his head with somber, downcast eyes. “They wanted to, but I’m the only one with good tires. Had to kludge them together myself all filled up with surgical tubing.”

“Fascinating,” Vulpes said, no longer paying attention. Lucius took the opportunity to barter with Lloyed.

Six sighed, dropping the rag back into the soap bucket with a splash. Vulpes rounded on her.

“Why didn’t you tell me there was a group of car enthusiasts near New Vegas,” he hissed, glaring at her.

Six’s eyes widened. “Because I didn’t know?”

He scowled, crossing his arms. “You’re supposed to be a frumentaria. It’s your business to know such things.”

“I honestly didn’t think to look for a group of _car enthusiasts_ ,” she said, matching his scowl with her own. “Considering they can’t even power the damn things I—”

“Regardless, we need to be on the lookout for profitable resources. And anyone willing to drag one of these,” he gestured with a nod to the car, “halfway across a desert to pay someone to wash it is a profitable resource.”

“So go make friends with him,” Six said shaking him roughly by the shoulders.

Vulpes shrugged her off. “I have a much better plan. One that could earn us more than whatever pittance this group pays us.” He turned back to Lloyd.

“Lloyd, my good man,” he said with a smile warmer than Six thought he could manage. Lucius was counting a small mountain of caps beside Lloyd, frowning with concentration. “What if we were to bring the car wash to you next time? Just because your associates are unable to bring their vehicles across the mighty Mojave shouldn’t mean they are denied the glory that is a freshly washed car, afterall.”

Six groaned and slumped down to the ground against the soap bucket, shaking her head in her hands. A few stray bubbles caught in her hair, sizzling slightly.

Lloyd’s eyes widened. “Oh that’d be the best!” he said, grinning from ear to ear. “I’ll tell you where to find us and you can pick any old day and just show up, I’m sure they’d love it!”

By the end of the day, the group had only washed one car and one motorcycle, but Vulpes and Lucius seemed pleased. Antony was still dancing around with Lupa, humming the theme to the Car Wash song over and over since Six had refused to play it anymore.

“170,” Lucius declared proudly, dropping the last cap into the box with a small, metallic clink. “Not bad for a day’s work.”

“And you said it would never work,” Vulpes said to Six, turning to her with glee in his eyes.

“Well next time you can wear the bikini,” she said with a scowl, keeping her arms crossed over her chest. “I feel like a piece of meat.”

“Psh,” Vulpes said, trying to comfort her with an arm around her shoulders. “You’re not a piece of meat, you’re the only female legionary there is—”

“There’s a difference?” she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose and rubbing her eyes with one hand.

“And that makes you indispensable,” Vulpes concluded. Lucius nodded his agreement.

“Well,” he continued, stretching his arms wide, “everyone should get to bed. We’re heading up North of Vegas in the morning.”

Six whimpered shaking her head, her deflated platinum curls flying everywhere. “How?” she said, looking at the sky. “How do they find me?”

**Author's Note:**

> I REGRET NOTHING.


End file.
